Help the Aged

I'm trying to look after my elderly neighbours. Mostly because it's the right thing to do, and because they'll have made sacrifices in their past that I've benefited from.

Partly, however, because doing so can be a very amusing experience: I've changed names and home numbers to protect my brilliant neighbours.

Conversation with number 44: 

"Hello?"

"Hello, it's Joe at number 38."

"Who?"

"Joe. At number 38. Claire's husband?"

"I thought they sold and packed up years ago!"

"Err...no. Still here."

"Hold on a minute (shuffles off, conversation overheard with wife) "Gladys, it's Joe. Didn't they sell up years ago?" 

"No, I spoke to her last week!" 

"Oh never mind. (Back to me) Hello?"

"Yes, hello."

"You're right, it is Joe!"

"Yes...yes...I am. Anyway, how are you keeping?"

"Fine thank you. Absolutely fine."

"That's great. We were just wondering if you needed anything from the supermarket?"

"Did I speak to your wife at the bus stop the other day?"

"Err...possibly."

"Only someone started talking to me at the bus stop. She was very friendly but I didn't know who she was!"

"Right..."

"She was standing outside the front door to number 38."

"Okay...probably Claire then. I hope so anyway."

"Do apologise to her for me won't you!"

"I will. Anyway, do you need any shopping?"

"Hold on  (shuffles off again)    Gladys, do we need anything?" 

"Milk. Whole milk. Four pints please." 

"Okay  (back to me)  Four pints of whole milk please, Joe."

"No problem at all. Anything else?"

"No that's all. Very kind of you!"

"Absolutely fine. I'll leave it in your porch."

"Are you sure you didn't move?"

"No, definitely not. Been here eight years now."

"Well I never. Bye Joe."

"Goodbye, take care."



Conversation with number 42 

(Dorothy is in her 80s. Lovely lady, fantastic neighbour. Also a bit hard of hearing.) 

"HELLO?"

"Hi Dorothy, it's Joe from next door. I was just wondering..."

"NOW LISTEN. YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT GOING ON HOLIDAY ANY MORE ARE YOU?"

"Err...probably not, no."

"ONLY IF YOU WERE I'D BE VERY HAPPY TO LOOK AFTER THE CAT AGAIN."

"Thank you Dorothy, that's really kind, but I'm pretty sure that we won't..."

"IT'S NO TROUBLE!"

"I know Dorothy, I don't know what we'd do without you, you've always..."

"I LOVE YOUR CAT!"

"Yes, I know. Far more than I do."

"SORRY??"

"Nothing, anyway Dorothy, the reason I called was..."

"HAVE YOU SEEN THAT SQUIRREL??"

"What?"

"THERE'S A SQUIRREL HOPPING AROUND IN THE GARDEN! IT'S EVER SO CUTE!"

"I did see it yes."

"I LOVE SQUIRRELS!"

"Yes, they're quite nice aren't they."

"I LOVE ALL ANIMALS!"

"Yes, me too...well, sometimes...anyway, Dorothy, do you need any shopping?"

"SORRY?"

"SHOPPING DOROTHY. DO YOU NEED ANYTHING FROM THE SUPERMARKET?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT, LET ME GO AND GET ARTHUR. I CAN'T REALLY HEAR YOU!"




Shopping was - eventually - safely delivered to both houses. Absolute legends, both of them. If I'm still around in 2065, I hope I'm as fun and full of life as they are!