“Give to everyone who asks you...unless they happen to be a
foreigner. Those who were not born on the same patch of land as you are far
less deserving of charity.”
“Do to others as you would have them do to you. If, however,
you are financially comfortable and live in a politically stable country then
of course this doesn’t apply. After all, the circumstances of your own birth
were entirely down to your own hard work and diligent planning.”
“Love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them
without expecting to get anything back. Unless a few national newspapers suggest
that there might be a small possibility that one or two of them are trying to
take advantage of your generosity. This absolves you of all responsibility to
all of them. Scrounging bastards.”
“But a Samaritan, as he travelled, came where the man was;
and when he saw him, he said ‘I must not, on any account, do anything to help
this man. His situation is unfortunate but if I stop to heal his wounds it will
only encourage the thieves! If they think that there are good people in the
world who might actually care then they’ll feel justified in robbing more
people! No no...far better to give a few quid to charity. That way someone else
can get their hands dirty.”
People were also bringing babies to Jesus. When the
disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and
said, “Let the little children come to me.” Then he looked one of them in the
eye and said “Clearly you are not a child. I specifically said little children and you must be at least
twelve. Also, you have no visible scars
or signs of trauma, therefore you must be lying to us all. Piss off.”
Then the righteous will answer him, “Lord, when did we see
you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you a drink? When did we see you a
stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?”
And the King will reply: “No you didn’t do any of these
things, and this is why I’m so pleased with you! Thousands died because you
chose instead to do what was politically expedient, or what your mates told you
to do, or because you were scared of what Rupert Murdoch and Paul Dacre might
write about you. You’re exactly my kind of people! Hurrah!!”
See Luke 6:30-35, Luke 10: 30-37, Luke 18:15-17, and Matthew 25:31-46 for original source material.
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