Teaching on Zoom

Me: Good morning everyone, today...

Mavis: MR SHEPHERD I KNOW I KNOW! 

Me: I haven't asked you anything yet Mavis, now today we need to...

Barry: Mr Shepherd? 

Me: Yes Barry, what is it? 

......

Barry: Mr Shepherd? 

Me: Yes Barry.  

...

Barry: Mr Shepherd? 

Me: Barry I think your sound might be off, you need to...

Mavis: MR SHEPHERD I KNOW THE ANSWER I KNOW THE ANSWER! 

Me: For Goodness' sake Mavis, there hasn't been a question yet! Now can we make a start on...

Barry: I think I've got coronavirus. 

All children: Eeeurrgghh! 

Me: Sssh, everyone please! Barry why do you say that? Have you got any symptoms? 

Barry: I've got toothache. 

Me: Right, I'm not sure that...

Barry: And last night I banged my head. 

Me: It sounds to me like you don't need to worry Barry, I...

Mavis: MR SHEPHERD CAN I SAY ONE CAN I SAY ONE??!! 

Me: Mavis I really love your enthusiasm but we haven't...Jeremy, stop sharing your screen now! 

Jeremy: What?? It's sick! 

Me: Yes I like Fortnite too but we don't need to see it now, please...

Jeremy: Mr Shepherd are you on Fortnite? 

Cynthia: Are you a YouTuber Mr Shepherd? 

Trevor: Are you on TikTok? 

Me: NO! I only have a very vague concept of what you're talking about! Now please, can we do some maths. Yesterday we were looking at the written method for addition...

Florence: (stupid bitch I told her I didn't want that one...)  

Me: Florence you need to mute yourself please. 

Florence:  (I'll punch the stupid cow in the face next time she...) 

Me: FLORENCE, MUTE YOURSELF! 

Jeremy: Oh my gosh Mr Shepherd you can mute her yourself! 

Me: Oh yes, I'll do that. Florence please tell your Mum to leave the room. Now, who'd like to have a go...

Mavis: MR SHEPHERD I'VE GOT ONE I'VE GOT ONE!!

Me: I'd like to ask someone else first Mavis. How about...

Barry: Mr Shepherd? 

Me: Yes Barry. 

Barry: Mr Shepherd? 

Me: Yes Barry. 

Barry: Mr Shepherd? 

Me: YES BARRY!! 

......

Me: Right, Barry's got a problem with his sound again, let's...

Barry: My chicken died. 

Me: Oh...I'm...err, sorry. I didn't know you had one Barry. 

Barry: Because it ate a Snickers bar. 

Cynthia: I like Snickers! 

Trevor: Bounty! 

Arthur: Mars! 

Gladys: Milky Bar! 

Me: Enough! Right, Barry I'm sorry about your chicken. Now, I'm going to share screen with you. Please let's look at number 1. I want someone...JEREMY! Don't annotate on my worksheet! 

Jeremy: Oh my gosh why does it have to be me??!! 

Me: I can see your name on it! 

Jeremy: Oh my gosh that is so tight! 

Me: Right, now then...

Florence: (that teacher looks like a freak man, is he thick or what?) 

Me: Florence!! You really need to find a private place! Please ask your brother to leave the room too.

Barry: Mr Shepherd? 

Me: Barry I'm going to mute you and we can talk later, I...

Barry: Mr Shepherd? 

Me: BARRY! If I mute you then don't un-mute yourself! 

Barry: My Uncle's got a fractured skull. 

Me: Never mind, now who...

Mavis: MR SHEPHERD I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW! 

Me: MAVIS SHUT UP!!  

......

Me: I'm sorry everyone, but we really need to... 

Zoom: Time Up. Do you want to upgrade?