My last post was about the silver linings that are all around us, despite the anxiety and heartache of present circumstances. On a personal level, it wasn't an exhaustive list of positives: hopefully we can all find encouragement in the reduction in pollution levels and increased community spirit that Covid 19 has fostered, but for me (and I suspect others unfortunate enough to have similar hang-ups) another welcome benefit to all of this is social distancing. People other than my wife and son are being told that they have to stay at least 2 metres away from me, and all that I have to say about that is....thank God and about time!
I like other people. I really, really do. I appreciate their gifts, talents, quirks and idiosyncrasies enormously. I have fantastic friends, brilliant colleagues and a wonderful extended family. I also enjoy meeting new people. Well...I can usually tolerate it with a smile. But I've always struggled with the whole physical touch thing. When to hug...when to shake hands...when, how and where to kiss... If someone else confidently takes the initiative then I'm up for anything, but if there's even a hint of uncertainty on their part then I'm a complete mess, and the encounter is likely to result either in them thinking I'm distant and cold, or in me putting myself in serious jeopardy of being arrested for some form of assault.
Take church, for example. I love church and am missing it a great deal at the moment. But I hate...hate...hate sharing the peace. For the uninitiated, this is a point in the service when the vicar or service leader announces to the congregation "The peace of the Lord be with you," and the congregation responds "And also with you." Following this, the congregation are expected to approach as many people as possible, within a time frame of between one and five minutes (and I'm literally in hell when it's at the longer end) and 'share the peace'. How exactly this is done is open to interpretation: dependent on the congregation and the individual, it ranges from a smile and nod of the head to an act of sexual foreplay.
What on earth am I supposed to do? If the peace-sharer is male then a handshake seems appropriate, although I'm up for a hug of no longer than 1.5 seconds. When they're female, however, it's a minefield of spiritual etiquette. I'd feel most comfortable with a smile or handshake, but this seems quite formal and 'masculine'. Will they feel that my peace-sharing is sincere if I'm not up for a bit more? A kiss on the cheek? Possibly, but if I move in and she doesn't then I'm either going to nut her or look like I want a snog. A hug? Maybe, but how to position my body? Clasp her to my chest and again she's going to think that the peace I really want is a piece of her. Stick my arse out and hug with weak arms and I may as well be telling her that she's a leper.
The whole thing is horrendous! I'd be much happier if sharing the peace was permanently done in the spirit of Covid 19: friendly and sincerely expressed good wishes from a safe distance. The way it's currently done is really quite ironic, because for me it's the least peaceful part of the whole service.
It's a cause of frequent anxiety at work too. It's someone's birthday...it's the last day before a holiday...it's the first day back after a holiday...someone's upset...someone's happy. What on earth to do! Again, if the recipient is very clear and deliberate about what they want then I'll go along with anything (up to a point) but if they're even a little bit unsure then I literally agonize about how to walk the tightrope between coming across like some frigid Victorian schoolmaster, or a deviant predator.
My birthday last year was a horror show at work. A female colleague burst into my classroom, smiling and enthusiastic, wishing me a happy birthday. I was sitting at my desk and she bounded up to me, covering the considerable distance between the door and my chair at a surprising pace. "Oh right, she's up for it," I thought to myself. "I think I've read this one right: it's going to be a hug." So confident was I in my interpretation of her behaviour, I stood and moved forward to make the embrace. At that moment (and I shudder to recall this) she kind of froze mid-bound and just looked at me with wide eyes. I immediately doubted that the hug was what she wanted, but I was so physically committed to it that to back out would have been unbearably awkward, so I kind of grabbed her and pulled her to me for a tenth of a second, then sat down immediately and couldn't look her in the eyes. She left the room mumbling and simpering in what were clear signs of PTSD (at least it sounded like it to me) and I avoided speaking to her for about a month afterwards.
Other people are so good at this! It comes to them so naturally, and needless to say the insecure voice in my head tells me that it's because they're either more popular or more attractive (or at least slightly less repulsive) than me. I'd be so much happier if it was all written down. A hug for this person in this situation; a handshake for this; a pat on the back for that.
Actually, I'd probably be happier if everyone apart from my nearest and dearest just kept their distance. So please people, let's keep saving lives: maintain social distance; stay at least two metres away from anyone you don't live with.
Oh, and we should probably do what we can to stop Coronavirus too.
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