Home-schooling

For the last three and a half weeks since the schools closed, I've been looking after my 5 year old on most working days between 9 and 2.30, whilst Mummy works. It was a venture that began with enthusiasm and noble intent, but as time has passed it has become more an issue of survival. It is possible that other parents in a similar situation might relate to this. It is also possible that I'm just a lazy, feckless father. Some of the following really happened. Some is either exaggeration or wishful thinking. Sadly, I think it's unlikely you'd accurately be able to work out which is which.

School closure day 1

• 9am - Do PE on Youtube with Joe Wicks. Complete the entire session. 
• 10am - Reading and phonics: compiled a list of all words, digraphs and trigraphs that he's struggling with and told him we'd re-visit them on a daily basis 
• 10.30am - Healthy snack for me and him  
• 11.30am - Number games on the lap-top. Mild frustration that he doesn't have better control over the mouse-pad, but otherwise fine 
• 12 - Lunch 
• 1pm - Art, create an ocean scene. My depiction of a humpback whale is genuinely brilliant, whereas his octopus looks like a talking dandelion on drugs. Never mind, he'll learn.  
• 2pm - Television, strictly limited to 30 minutes 
• 2.30pm - Television. Just another 15 then. 
• 2.45pm - Read a story 
• 3pm - Go for a pleasant walk with Mummy
• 3.30pm - Mummy takes over 

School closure day 4 

• 9am - Do PE on Youtube. Stop after 5 minutes because he wants to do Just Dance instead. We do Ghostbusters and Gangnam Style. He was rubbish. I killed it. 
• 10am - Reading and phonics. After about six pages I want to punch Biff and Chip in the face, so we read Batman comics instead. 
• 10.30am - Healthy snack for him. I have a satsuma while he's watching, then hide behind the fridge and neck three chocolate biscuits. I put a beer in the fridge...for later. 
• 11.30am - Television. Bit earlier today. Still strictly 30 minutes. 
• 12 - Lunch 
• 1pm - Science. He wants to do the experiment after we've watched the Youtube video but I can't remember what it was because Maddie Moate is quite fit.  
• 2pm - Television. No harm in it 
• 2.30 - Television. Don't judge me. 
• 3pm - Go for a walk with Mummy. Get a bit shouty when his scooter crashes into the hedge for the fourteenth time. Otherwise nice. 
• 3.30pm - Mummy takes over. 

School closure day 9 

• 9am - We're both fed up of watching what Russell Brand would look and sound like if he took steroids, so Joe Wicks can do one. Instead we dance to Shakira's Waka Waka on Youtube. Four times. So that we can...get the moves right. 
• 10am - Reading. With some help from me, he masters the tricky words 'Snickers' and 'Mars' before we both eat them to reward ourselves. 
• 10.30am - Ice-cream for him, chilled beer for me. I'd put it in the fridge at 7. He burps loudly and I'm convinced I can do better, so we have a contest.  
• 11am - Television. Fast and Furious 2. My choice. 
• 12 - Lunch. Pot Noodles. 
• 1pm - Televsion. Film to finish. 
• 2.30pm - Television. His choice. And to be honest, I prefer Octonauts to Fast and Furious anyway. 
• 3pm - Go for a walk with Mummy. No scooter. I hold his hand, wrist or head all the way. Only way I can get through this. 
• 3.30pm - Mummy takes over. 

School closure day 14 

• 9am - Youtube videos. My choice 
• 10am - Youtube videos. His choice 
• 10.30am - Four-pack for me, ice-cream for him. Share a cigarette in the garden.  
• 11am - I've earned some PPA time, so he amuses himself in the garden with the lighter for an hour.  
• 12 - Lunch. Chocolate biscuits and Wotsits.
• 1pm - TV marathon. Bob the Builder series 2, Super-ted series 4 and Scooby Doo series 6. 
• 3pm - Go for a walk with Mummy. Particular low point is him turning around and shouting at me "Daddy you're a great big penis!" while we're passing other people. Their interpretation of social distancing very quickly increases from 2 metres to about 40. 

So, if you're finding this tough, please know that you're not alone. And let me know if you have any other Cbeebies or CITV recommendations.

Oh, and that last bullet point was neither exaggeration nor wishful thinking.