Rules and Regulations!

“God? Well, I tell ya, let me give you a little inside information about God. 

God likes to watch. He’s a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift and then what does He do? I swear, for his own amusement, his own private cosmic gag reel, he sets the rules in opposition. It’s the goof of all time!

Look, but don’t touch.

Touch, but don’t taste.

Taste, don’t swallow.

And while you’re jumping from one foot to the next, what is He doing?

He’s laughing his sick, fucking ass off!” 


Just reading the words don’t really do them justice to be honest. When Al Pacino (playing the Devil, naturally) delivers these lines at the climax of the movie ‘The Devil’s Advocate’, he spits them out at his terrifying, menacing best. No-one delivers the lines quite like Pacino! You watch and listen to some of his iconic speeches, like this one, and you’re either too transfixed or too terrified to disagree!

On the other hand, it kind of helps to have them written down. It gives you the opportunity to read them, re-read them, think about them and judge them dispassionately, without Pacino’s electrifying delivery influencing you one way or the other. I know it’s just a movie, I know it’s not there to be taken literally or even particularly seriously, but I had a friend at University who used this speech as his entire basis for trying to discredit my Christian faith, and I think Pacino’s words reflect what lots of people think about Christianity and religion in general. Is that fair? Is it accurate? Is the gospel according to Al more reliable and trustworthy than the ones that were written two thousand years ago?

I’d rather steal money from Al Pacino, Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro then text them my address than pompously claim to be certain about any of these things, but one thing I’ve come to believe over the years is this: Christianity isn’t about following rules. I believe in a God who doesn’t want people to follow a set of commands. There are only two that matter to him:

“Love the Lord your God…and love your neighbour as yourself.”

That’s it. It doesn’t get any more complicated. And over the years some Christians, usually with the best of intentions, have extrapolated rules and regulations from this that have missed the point.

“Don’t ever have sex outside of marriage!” 

No.  Don’t have sex in a way that isn’t loving and kind.

“Don’t swear!” 

No. Don’t use language in a way that isn’t loving and kind.

“Don’t drink or smoke!”

No. Don’t treat your body in a way that isn’t loving and kind.

“Those who don’t believe what we believe will go to hell!”

No. No. No. Be loving. Be kind. And don’t you dare judge another person whose circumstances you know nothing about.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s okay to touch, taste and swallow, so long as it’s done in a way that is loving and…you get the idea. Love the Lord your God. Love your neighbour as yourself. It’ll make you, your neighbour and God happier than anything else ever will.

Now excuse me while I go and watch Gavin and Stacey, because after half an hour of listening to scary Al Pacino speeches I need to go and laugh my fucking ass off.